I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
trauma and recovery's LiveJournal:
|Saturday, April 7th, 2007|
Please excuse the misspelling of little katelynn's link
Here is the correct spelling. I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.Sugar and spice and everything nice.
This is suppose to every little girls life.
What happens when life is not like that?
What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?
For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.
What happens when the police will not stop this?
Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.
The next thing to do is go to the court.
What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?
The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.
In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.
If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?
Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?
Now, what will you do?!
This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn
Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.html
Breaking the Silence
Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.
Demand the children's truth!
Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!
No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!
****Please don't forget us!****
|Sunday, July 23rd, 2006|
Healing Through Art
I am compiling a book about the various methods women have used to heal from rape. If you drew, send your drawings. If you wrote, send me your poems, short stories, rants, etc. If you created music, send your lyrics or song sheets. If you played sports, explain why it gave you strength. This is to be a compilation not only of women's stories, but of how they expressed their feelings while they struggled to heal. It is to be an exploration of the artistic methods women use to cope with sexual trauma. Photographs, stories, essays, poems, songs, journal entries and any method that was used as a healing mechanism are welcomed submissions. I am not only looking for accounts or reiterations of rape experiences, but also the artistic expressions you produced as you were healing. If desired, submissions can be kept anonymous. All contributors will receive a copy of the published book. Email (email@example.com) for more details or with submissions. As well, I have created an lj community to support this project: the_r_word. Anyone interested in healing, art, advice, and support for rape survivors are encouraged to join! Thanks!
|Saturday, July 22nd, 2006|
Letter to my rapists - January 2001 (May be triggering for some)
I am trying once again to write a letter to you that may or may not say everything I want to say. I don't think I can ever say enough to you - no matter how much hate I could project onto you, no matter how much misery I could wish on you, no matter how much loneliness and depression I want for you, somehow it will never be enough, but do not misinterpret what I say: I do not wish you dead, in fact, I wish you a long misery ridden life; a life in which you will never be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling disgust, a life in which you can never enjoy intimacy with another human being without feeling dirty and disgusting, a life of insomnia, because the images you see when you close your eyes are too horrifying for anyone else to see let alone live through, a life in which certain songs trigger such anger, hurt and frustration that you are driven to the point that raging tears are your only release; a life in which any one of the above trigger such physical pain that you feel your insides being torn out piece by piece. I wish you feel so disgusted with yourself that burning yourself in a hot shower only gives you the image of sterile cleanliness but in reality does nothing. I wish you daily nervousness and insecurity, that you pull your hair out at the root and bite your nails down to the cuticles. I hope you remember what you did for the rest of your days & hate yourself for it every waking hour. I wish for you no understanding from others.
I wish you all these things that I have lived with, I wish you moral battles and inner conflicts.
Each of you held me down and raped me. There is nothing that I can say or do to change that. Nothing will make it go away. No punishment, no retribution. I have conceded to the notion that there is no justice; there is no fairness. This was not an easy concession to make, and in fact, it is still difficult to accept. There is no reason that I should be victimized time and again for your hatred at something for which I take neither responsibility nor blame. I am not ashamed of what happened to me, I will tell my story to anyone that will listen and if this helps just one person, I may be slightly more okay with having been raped. Not to say that I want to be okay, or is that to say that I will either forgive you or accept these assaults: I will do neither.
Forgiveness would come too easy. Forgiveness is something you would expect, demand and take without it being given to you, just like you raped & beat me, and expected me to do whatever you commanded. In fact, I am willing to bet that you actually believe that I forgive you, that I'd forgiven you a long time ago. I want you to know that this will never happen. There is nothing to forgive you for. If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it. Rest assured, forgiveness will not happen. Forgiving you would ease the turmoil I wish for you and that is something I do not want to happen.
Nor will I ever be okay with what you did. Being okay with being raped, accepting rape as a part of my life allows you to win. I will not accept anything, acceptance is similar to settling and I will not settle for having been raped. I will settle for nothing. I will never accept it, if I do then I will also need to forgive you, and, as I said, forgiveness is clearly out of the question.
You raped me. You caused me so much pain and there is nothing that will change that and I hope you never feel a moment's peace within yourself because of this but at the same time I don't want you to think I've stopped living - I haven't. In fact, I am so far from the person I was when you raped & sodomized me. I am much stronger and I'll be damned if I credit any of this to you.
I will tell everyone what you did to me. I will continue to do so until the day I die. I wish you the peace of a storm on the ocean, the love of no one, yourself included, the discomfort in aloneness, the career of an inmate on work release and the comfort of a homeless man on the streets in winter.
Because of you I see discomfort in the eyes of friends & listeners as they shift and look the other way, and I feel the awkward silence that sinks in between myself and someone else when I tell them, "I was raped." I see the awkwardness in my own reflection when I tell myself, "I was raped." I will hate you until the day I die for this.
I have people who have helped me deal with this, and it's really not right that I need to lean on them, but unlike you, they will not tear me down so they can rebuild me. They know all about you and share my hatred for you, and they have let me work through this with their support. Something you never thought I would have, something that you stole from me - imagine that.
I hate you. I know the real you. You hurt me. You nearly destroyed me. I am still recovering from what you did and it is a process. I will never forgive you. I will never give you that satisfaction. I will never forget - these memories keep me on the edge. They serve as my conscience.
You are a rapist – each and every one of you. You will live your life knowing this. You will look in the mirror and I can only hope that you feel the pain of sodomy, you gag on the smell of your own sweat and cringe at the screaming of others and writhe at the thought of being touched - just like you did to me.
I hope you learn what it feels like to be punched in the face & dragged by your hair by someone you trust with your life. I hope you can never sit in silence or in darkness and that something must constantly distract you because anything that doesn't will terrify you.
I hope you never know love, beauty or laughter. I hope you miss out on all the beauty that life has to offer, because if you can only do this, you have at the very least begun to pay for what you did to me. You will never pay your debt to me, not through a miserable life, not through a lonely death. But in my own sadistic way, perhaps I can take a little comfort in your pathetic misery.
You raped me. The first time you did was at 1.30am on January 18th, 1997 & the last & fifth separate occasion was a week later on the night of January 25th & you each did it deliberately. I hope that you spend the rest of your life in fear of the anger & hatred of others. I will never forget those experiences, they will haunt me for the rest of my life, and although I have been able to find a way to live with them in as much harmony as I can I will never be ok with them. I hope this is something that you never find.
I hate you, each & every one of you regardless of the degree of how much each of you individually tortured me, even if you raped me once, even if you raped me ten times I will not forgive you. I wish for you all of the above ten fold until the day you die.
Elisha Louise Pritchard
This a very old letter i wrote whilst in the process of healing quite a long time ago, all your thought's & comments are most welcome :)
|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
Today’s Horoscope: Capricorn
”Things could be worse
Don’t take everything so seriously!”
Up-to-the-Minute News, World/US Census Report:
171,420 rapes reported to authorities each year:
469 raped each day
19 each hour
1 every 3.5 minutes.
Only 16% of all rapes reported to authorities:
12 million in a 20 year period.
12 million = 20% of the U.S population.
29% of all rapes occur under 11 years old.
32% of all rapes occur between 11 & 17 years old.
61% under the age of 17
11 times the amount of people killed in the Vietnam War.
34 times the amount of people killed by AIDS each year.
each has a face,
a favourite book,
a certain way of smiling.
Every 3.5 minutes
But then again;
Things could be worse.
|Saturday, July 8th, 2006|
In the summer of my eleventh year
I failed my swimming lessons.
What got me was floating.
You pretended to be dead
& then languidly,
after many long moments
Lift your head
Ever-so-slightly to take a breath of air.
On January 18th 1997,
I was raped.
by four friends I’d grown up with my whole life;
they burnt me with cigarettes
& afterwards asked my forgiveness;
said they couldn’t help it,
in my naivety
I forgave them.
The bottom dropped out from under
Everything I thought I knew to be true
Floating panicked me
Pretending to be dead made me feel dead
& my body was not about to cooperate with that.
After the rape, I felt like I was floating
through reality, nothing solid to cling to.
I developed an affliction for cutting myself
& eventually attempted suicide by
electrocuting myself in the bathtub with my CD player,
lulled by Jeff Buckley’s rendition of Hallelujah.
Already dead inside,
I could disappear at any moment,
like an assumption.
Every time I took the swimming test,
When it came to the floating,
A fierce part of me awoke
& forced me up
Gasping for air;
I feared myself,
How many selves did I contain &
When were they planning to lift their faces
Out of the deep end of my life,
demanding solid ground?
It was my therapist
that finally helped me deal
With my rape;
“Healing begins in parts”, she said.
“It stretches beyond yourself as you speak of what you have been through.
As you heal you will grow,
in searching for healing you will find yourself
in a way you will never have imagined”
& I thought,
maybe certainty & forever Is not the point
Why should I fear pain & the unknown?
Why should I let it paralyze me in my own life?
Down into the water, hanging there
Still amidst the currents
It has a particular rhythm,
This small, flesh-colored raft in a sea of human need.
But my soul lifts its face up from the depths
Calmly, remembering to stay limp,
be carried & steadily,
unfailingly to seek air
At a time
|Saturday, March 25th, 2006|
looking for volunteers
hi! i'm looking for volunteers for a photo project i'm doing about victims of sexual abuse.
this is a continuation of a project i did last semester that came out really, well, powerful.
this is kind of a last minute looking for volunteers who can contribute in the next day or two because my deadline was pushed up & some volunteers i thought i had lined up haven't gotten back to me.
originally this project was done by mailing out disposable cameras to the volunteers, they would then take pictures of themselves or things they felt represented what they have gone through. they would handwrite their story. & mail it back to me. i then developed & printed the images & composed them in a book along with the stories.
but considering that i have this due on wednesday i have to do it a little differently. so i am looking for [&hoping to find] some volunteers who have access to digital cameras & would be willing to send me about ten [more if you want] images along with their story to my email by sunday night or monday the absolute latest, so i can spend all day tuesday putting everything together.
this would really help me out a lot & being a survivor myself this project means a lot to me & i think it is really powerful.
here are some images of the book i made last semester:( projecttttt.Collapse )
please please consider participating & you can be completely anonymous if you want. i had two anonymouse volunteers in this last book.
leave a comment or send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
thank you so much.
|Monday, March 6th, 2006|
New Here...May be triggering!!!!
Hello ive decided to join, anywayz my story.....right now im 16, but i was raped and abused for 7 yrs (6 to 13) I was beat by my mother (she got drunk everyday and hit me with anything) and my one uncle raped me, he used to threatin to kill me if i told anyone, and he would hurt me, and knock me out when he was raping me....(very sad) so finally i was understanding what was going on when i turned 10 and i decided my mom and aunt (his wife) will believe me, so i told them, and knowing this makes me sick but i told them at age 10 i was getting raped by my uncle and my aunt, his wife, and my mom both called me a liar and let it happen for 3 more years, thi guy tried pushing me off a bridge and etc..and my mom and step dad beat me,chocked me, etc....And finally i moved in with my real dad and step mom andd told them about what happend so we went to court i got interviewed....etc...and he is in jail 5 yrs w/out poll than the 5th yr he gets it longest he can be in there is 15yrs, my mom is in jail for 2-4yrs...i used to be a cutter and i have 2 disorders, depression and ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) i used to try to commit suicide, i have had counseling and now in a rape program and trying to get this all outta my system.....but 2 things i have learned is that u will NEVER forget your past, but letting other ppl kno ur past helps them cope in ways you dont know...thanks for reading...and sorry if this upset anyone...please comment...byez
*Pure_Christian* Current Mood: frustrated
|Tuesday, September 13th, 2005|
|Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005|
This is a book everyone who has experienced sexual abuse really should read.
A teacher of mine who helped me through a very hard time lent a copy to me and said it helped her a whole lot. It just explains alot of the "why" as to reactions and behavior and how society treats victims. That doesn't even explain it well...just....its amazing and a great great book...get it on ebay or get it from the library or order it from a book shop..its really that good... it really gets into post traumatic stress disorder also...the main focus of the book is on soldiers who get ptsd from war and rape victims who get it from their trauma and child abuse... also ptsd can happen from molestation..they don't tackle that too much but when you read it its good to keep that in mind....this book was ground breaking in linking rape to ptsd, and child abuse to ptsd....linking molestation was made afterwards moatly.
Trauma and Recovery
by Judith Herman MD
and here is how they explained the book:
When Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery was first published five years ago, it was hailed as a groundbreaking work. In the intervening years, Herman's now classic volume has changed the way we think about and treat traumatic events and trauma victims. In a new introduction, Herman chronicles the incredible response the book has elicited and explains how the issues surrounding the topic of trauma and recovery have shifted within the clinical community and the culture at large. Trauma and Recovery brings a new level of understanding to a set of problems usually considered individually. Herman draws on her own cutting-edge research on domestic violence, as well as on a vast literature of combat veterans and victims of political terror, to show the parallels between private terrors such as rape and public traumas such as terrorism. The book puts individual experience in a broader political frame, arguing that psychological trauma can be understood only in a social context. Meticulously documented and frequently using the victims own words as well as those from classic literary works and prison diaries, Trauma and Recovery is a powerful work that will continue to profoundly impact our thinking.
|Monday, August 22nd, 2005|
|Sunday, July 24th, 2005|
Hi there! I hope no one minds this post, but it is related to the topic at hand. Myself and another user have started a new community, something fresh and different. It's a community designed with the intention to help people iron out the aspects that invovled their sexual assault. It's like an interview of their specific sexual assault(s). Please see our community info for full details. Be well and stay safe!
Click on the graphic for the community info.
|Monday, July 4th, 2005|
hi everyone... I'm new here. Before I post the really emotional stuff, I want to make sure that this community is still active... do people still read the posts here fairly regularly?
|Monday, May 16th, 2005|
|Saturday, January 29th, 2005|
I feel useless. I feel like I was abused as a child and therefore have been messed up for life. I have been trying for years to get through college and I'm not getting anywhere. My entire childhood is full of trauma. I hate myself and I'm not even organised enough to make sense of the why and how of hating myself. Does that make any sense?
I am not equiped for more pain, I don't think I could do it at this point. I am too fragile for my own good. I want to disappear into nothingness. Why can't I disappear?
I am continually barraged with people telling me that I should be able to stand on my own two feet, but I can't. Why can't I put this behind me or at least get over it already? What is wrong with me? So many people are molested for years and lead productive lives, why can't I do the same?
I am the drain on society. I take resources and don't pay taxes. Is that any way to live? I have a brain and yet, I cannot use it. Am I a lazy bum? Again, the drain on society? Am I the ineffectual drain? Not producing?
I am angry that I was born, that my parents brought me to this world, but were unable to protect me from it. I am angry that I was born because I don't want to go through death in my current state. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life, but I don't. I should count myself lucky, at least I'm not in constant pain, at least I'm not suffering, just unhappy.
I make no sense at night, sorry about that. Love you all.
|Wednesday, January 19th, 2005|
My Letter 5
Dear Uncle Jesse,
What have I done? I ask this question every minute of everyday for the past month. I have sunk low. I forgot my morals and my values. I let the need and desire to be loved, if even for a moment, get in the way of what is true. I said I would not become a slut, or a whore, but I lied. I have acted in a slutty manner for the past month. Going from being with only 3 guys to 14 in a months time. Sleeping with 11 guys is A LOT. One week it was about 5 guys that week, and some days 2 guys a day. I don't know what I was thinking, but I know what I was feeling. I felt alone, scared, depressed, and like that little six year old child again. And I was tired of being that little, innocent-striped, broken girl. I wanted to be loved. I thought by sleeping around that I would fulfill the emptiness inside, but I didn't. It is still there, if not worse. I have lost control of my hormones, I have lost the ability to say NO. I have lost all the power I once thought I had. At times I think there is no help for me, that there is no way I can ever go back and not be a slut. But, this is not one of those times. I am aware that I am no slut. I just was vulnerable and weak. I know that with therapy and help, I can change my ways. I know giving up something that I am so addicted to, like sex, will not be an easy task, but a task that MUST be accomplished. In the end I will feel better about myself, though right now I am disgusted with whom I have become. In time these self-loathing feelings will subside and vanish, and left in its place will be only thoughts of love for myself. The thoughts and feelings that I hide deep down inside, the ones that are just waiting to submerge! I will give it time. I will give up sex, something you of all people would think I would hate after what you have done to me. But I know sex is more, to me it is making love, to you it is taking what is not yours. I will forgive you for your trespasses and pray God will forgive me for mine. God is my main hope in getting better, besides the loving support I receive from friends, family, and now therapy.
Christine Current Mood: cold
|Friday, January 14th, 2005|
My Letter 4
Dear Uncle Jesse
Leading a life as a Borderline Pesonality Disordered person is a lot harder than most could possibly imagine. For some sick, twisted reason I have found comfort in writing to you. Writing you letters your blood shot, drunken eyes will never lay upon. But it still comforts me. It eases my pain. It is a better remedy that cutting has no room to compare. For some unknown reason, stupidity probably, I miss my ex-fiance. I do not think there is a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I really loved him, one thing you could not destroy would be my love for him. Instead, he destroyed it himself. He broke my heart through his lies and stealing. Why part of me blames myself for the end of our relationship, I'll never know. I know in my head that I am not to blame, but explain that to my broken heart. Every thing that goes wrong seems to be my fault, every failed attempt. You cast this shadow that lies on my heart. You are the rain cloud over my head. You, Uncle Jesse, You. Just leave me alone. Just get your voice out of my head.
Why do I still feel your touch? Why do I still remember your filthy hands on my skin? Why is it that I can still see you touching me, invading me, destroying me. WHY?! I just want to let go and forget, but I cannot. Someone please explain to me why he will not leave me. It's like he is a part of me. The part of me that is ugly. The part of me that is dirty. And at times it seems he is all of me. I cannot explain the feeling, I could not even begin to try. I just want these feelings to fall away. Far far away.
|Wednesday, December 8th, 2004|
|Wednesday, November 10th, 2004|
My Letter 3
Dear Uncle Jesse,
I'm delighted to say that I am doing pretty good at adjusting to college life. I will admit though that you have forever filled me with terror of being raped again, that I carry pepper spray with me where ever I go and I took a self-defense class. What I have learned now that I did not know a month ago, is that you can no longer hurt me. You no longer have that control over me. Sure I still cry when I think of what you did. The thought of rape brings tears to my eyes. The thought of you doing what you did to someone other than me, like my sister, kills me inside. I wish I could go to the police, but I feel that it should be both my sister and I's decision, and she wishes to let it go. So that's what I will try to do, let it go. I don't know how long it will take, but I know someday I will no longer think of you.
About a month ago, just weeks after moving in, I felt weak and vulnerable, so I began cutting. I cut no because I was sad, but angry. Angry at the world, myself, you, everyone and everything. I guess that I just forgot my coping skills, and everything that I learned when I was at Western Psych. I hated myself for falling back into that habit, but I have since forgiven myself. It has been through God and Jesus Christ, my Lord, that I have been able to cope with the stresses of everyday life. It is through my father, my Lord, that I can find strength to live another day, to fight for what I want. And I know exactly what I want, I want to prove to the world that I am worth while. I want to prove to everyone that I am beautiful and smart and that I am not broken or tainted by your touch. I just want to prove that to you. I want so desperately to heal so that I can for once in my life give my heart fully to a man deserving, a man who will love me the way I love him. I know deep down that I deserve happiness, and I will not give up until I have it. I refuse to let you pull me down. I will no longer hang my head low, I will no longer feel shamed.
I will grow outward and someday be free, as a butterfly that has spread its wings for the very first time. And I will fly away knowing that I am someone, someone worth knowing, someone worth loving, and someone worth while.
Christine Current Mood: depressed
|Sunday, September 26th, 2004|
*Location* Pennsylvania, USA
*Who is your abuser* An uncle and a friends older brother.
*How long were you abused* By my uncle when I was 6; By my friend's brother when I was 14.
*How has the abuse affected your life?* It made me severly depressed and suicidal, my life has been a downward spiral.. It took hitting rock bottom, with me looking up and seeing only my feet, to realize just how strong I can be and determined I am, when I'm not letting the past drag me down.
*What have been the negative affects?* Cutting, suicide attempts, low self-esteem..
|Saturday, June 12th, 2004|
I want this place to stay safe for anyone who chooses to post anything. If anyone bothers you or harrases you here or ANYTHING of that sort,let me know and i will delete and block them. i am making some more changes here so posts are screened and both comments and posts can be deleted. Again if people woould like to post privatly or friends only, etc. they are welcome to. I hope everyone has a lovely day.